I'm sure there comes a point in everyone's life when they're like 'are you serious', 'why is this happening to me?', 'why me? what did I do so wrong to be deserving all this crap in my life?' Yeah, I've been there too. Actually... I've been there A LOT. But at the same time... I'm beginning to understand that these are the moments that make or break our character, our spirit, the very fiber of who we are. Do we crumble under the pressure? Or do we rise up and take it all on head on. You may not even know that you've even got it in you. You may not see it, but let me tell you... Your story is not over yet.
Your story... has only just began. Think of life of a set of chapters, you alone may only be a trilogy in all of that is to come of why you are going through what you are going through. And no that doesn't mean that you have reason to blame other people for what you're going through either. Because it's still you that has to make choices and stand with the consequences both good and bad that come from that. There are a lot of things in your life that are unknown factors, they happen for what seem like an unknown reason. Just try and remember... the hardest battles, are those worth fighting for. Some of you are probably like who does she think she is, talking to me like that. And you'd be right.. who am I? To you? Nothing, just another face in the crowd, just another person who writes, feels empathy and absolutely cares about everyone around her.
Let's look deeper into this... who am I.. I was born in Alberta, Canada. Happy, healthy (cause I looked it, skin deep) but it was soon to be found out that I was very sick indeed. I had my first surgery at 2 years old. I had my right kidney removed. Which is nothing now a days almost. But being one of the first kids to have this done before they knew that you could take out a kidney and you'd keep living. Well.. It definitely wasn't easy on my family.
The part that gets to me was I look back today and I'm like... 'how did they not see all the signs?', 'how am I still alive?' as... the kidney removed was only the beginning. Since then I've been sick most of my life, and I don't like talking about it cause I don't want it to rule my life and have people feel sorry for me. After my last few months here... I'm done with hiding part of who I am. I've always been 100% me except my health. So here it goes.. hope you're all ready for this. After I kept getting sick and kept getting migraines, and had even lost my vision for a short time (and only a short time, thanks to a teaching hospital in Germany).. They started listing my conditions, yes... listing.. I was diagnosed with Idiopathic Intracranial Hypertension, Chiari Malformation, spina bifida (closed), endometriosis, polycystic ovaries, carpal tunnel, fused vertebra in my spine C4 & C5. Yeah, Yikes... I know... but luckily, I was attached to a military base in Germany, so they sent me to the UK where they could better treat me. That's where I received my first few brain surgeries, ICP bolts, and lengthy stays in hospital. As in Germany all they could do because of translation issues was give me Lumbar punctures to pull the pressure off my brain as a temporary solution.
South Hampton General Hospital... I will never forget. Not for the care received, but the treatments that I had to undergo to deal with these incurable illnesses. I could write horror novels based on the content inside my head from that alone. And it has nothing to do with them doing anything wrong. Now we add PTSD onto PTSD making it complex. And yes, diagnosed. At SHGH I received a VP shunt which is a machine that drains the brain fluid from my brain into the lining around my stomach so it can be absorbed. Great news right? Actually... it was pretty amazing for a few good years. It worked wonders. I was able to get back to life, work part-time, look after my daughter. I thought I had seen all the hospitals I was gonna see. Even moved back to Canada, got out of the abusive situation that I was in. Life was amazing!
Guess what? Life still is amazing. If I was to sit here and focus on just the negative crap I've been through in my life... I'd be in total darkness.. I know. I've been there. Before I made that leap to escape to Canada.. I was depressed, suicidal, self harming, I used my writing.. my creative edge.. to keep myself sane.. somehow. Those points I was talking about when you stop and ask why me? that was one of them... I stood up, I grabbed what I could, which was one suitcase in my case. And I started over. I started over because I am worth it. I am worth more than all the negative things that I have been through. As soon as you know your self worth and actually feel it.. You are UNSTOPPABLE!
Even if today you find your conditions worsening after a car accident.. and you're left with the words Why me? again... You stand strong and give them the answer the world that feels like it's against you needs to hear.
Why me?..... Because I am #UNSTOPPABLE. Nothing will break me, I AM A WARRIOR SOUL!
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